Anticipation...

Jeff and I spent the cold, snowy afternoon wandering through a very large antique store. He took every opportunity to drive me crazy... with a kiss, or a nibble at my ear, or whispering things that gave me goose bumps, like when we found an antique brass bed, whispering that he pictured me tied there, wearing nothing but a blindfold and nipple clips, with no sound, nothing for me to concentrate on but the feel of the clips... or when we came to the section with lots of movie memorabilia, telling me he anticipated going to the movies with me wearing a skirt, nothing underneath... or the section with old tools, finding everything that could possibly be used as a paddle, and giving me a knowing look... *sigh*...

Tomorrow night, if the emergency room doesn't need him, will be our first night... he's been driving me crazy for so long I can't wait...

Boring Sunday...

I took this quiz that I found in Carrie's blog, Confusions and Blunderings. I really like the answer I got...

You are Bettie Page. You go for the very exotic
girl-next-door look. *sexy*


Which vintage pin-up girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Pinch Me

Jeff has got to be a dream... Conjured up by the part of my mind that knows everything I really need in a man...
last night we went out to dinner, and to a movie, and we did something that I hadn't done since high school.... We went "parking"....LOL
He brought me a rose, and an adorable Christmas ornament with Betty Boop on it (My favorite cartoon character...LOL) But the best thing was a card. He said he had been trying to find just the right one for weeks, and this one sounds EXACTLY like his own words... Things he is telling me all the time...
"I can't get you out of my mind.
I keep thinking about how much
I enjoy talking with you,
How great you look
when you smile,
and how much I like your laugh.
I daydream about you
off and on all day,
replaying pieces of our conversation...
laughing again about
funny things you said or did.
I've memorized your face
and the way you look at me...
it melts my heart
every time I think about it.
And I catch myself smiling
when I imagine what will
happen the next time we're together.
You must be something really special,
because I can't remember
the last time
I felt so strongly about someone.
Even though neither of us
knows what the future holds,
I know one thing for sure -
you're one of the very best things
that's happened to me
in a long time.

Mother nature pretty much assured that last night was not "The Night" for making love for the first time (I just can't do it during that time of the month...) but we had a long discussion about what we want... And he is very open to the D/s thing... I was so amazed... This whole thing just seems to be too good to be true... Someone pinch me and make sure I'm not dreaming...

Life is stranger than fiction....

Well, it's official. Jeff has totally won my heart...didn't matter how many walls I put up, he knew how to get through them all... had the patience to do it, and thought it was worth the wait...
And today, on our 6th date, he told me he loved me. Wow. I had been thinking that all weekend, but I was too scared to say it out loud... thinking that it was soon, I couldn't possibly love him already... but then he said it first...
Jeff and I are taking things slow... this is too perfect to screw it up by moving too fast... We have talked and we both want the first time we make love to be special, not as the result of getting carried away during a hot make out session...
On our third or fourth date, he brought a CD to have me listen to a song by Billy Joel... said it said his feelings better than he could... it was "Innocent Man" Here are the words...(sorry, it's long!)

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it againI've not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

Jeff is not the kind of guy I would ever have seen myself with... but now I can't imagine life without him....

Hiding out

I haven't posted in a while, but the only reason is pure cowardice, I guess...
I am so confused these days I don't know what to think...
First of all, work is getting worse... I did get a day off (actually it was 22 hours) but the store is in total chaos and we have inspection coming on Wednesday... And a new 22 year old kiss-ass know-it-all who told me he is after my position... *sigh* not that I'm worried about him, but I just don't need that little kid buzzing in my face every day, ya know?
But then there is my personal life. Is it possible to become a nun after you have been married and have two kids... Oh, and if you aren't Catholic???
Things were great with Hawk... Basically still are, although I am doubting that being with him is really going to meet all my needs... I have been looking at it without my emotions, or sexual feeling, getting in the way... And there is a lot lacking...
Remember Jeff? I told you about him a month or so ago... I have been out to lunch with him three times in the last 6 weeks... And he is just sweeping me off my feet... He could really be the one, but I am scared... I always seem to get into a relationship and then I get "unsatisfied", I'm always looking...
Just like Sara Evans says in her song "I keep looking":

Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

I just don't want to get into a relationship and then decide I want something else... I always seem to do that... I want someone like Hawk: wild, dangerous... But then I get to where I just want a "normal" relationship with a man who lets me know how much he cares about me, and compliments me, and really enjoys my company... Like Jeff, who even opens doors for me, and brings me flowers.... With Jeff it's all about me with him, and with Hawk, it's all about him...

Oh well, I just wanted you all to know I am still here... Just so screwed up I really didn't want to face you all... You must think I'm just some stupid girl who doesn't know what she wants....

Life Blogger

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

Hmm... this is true, I guess... and to think people actually read it... Probably to make themselves feel better about their own lives...LOL... none of their lives can be as boring and pathetic as mine....LOL

Why do I fight so hard?

Interesting things go through my head...
Hawk has mentioned that he would like me to eventually move to the farm. With him, and his wife. (Have I mentioned her before? I can't recall... She is semi-sub, can't handle pain, or the sexual side of being submissive... We are pretty good friends, as per Hawk's "request") Anyway... Being in a D/s relationship must be easier without children. I have a 6 year old son that prevents me from moving in with them. I don't want him raised that way, or exposed to the three-way relationship... Or even to see me living with someone I am not married to... So that must mean I am ashamed of it, somewhere inside, doesn't it?
I think it's just the fact that he's still married... Even though it doesn't bother his wife in the slightest, even after 3 1/2 years, it still bothers me, I guess.... Hawk tells me to "forget your archaic Methodist upbringing" and just go with how you really feel... But that is easier said than done.
Do I sound like I am making excuses? I lay awake in bed telling myself I am crazy for staying in such a relationship, one with so many things that make it so hard... When I know plenty of really nice men, and I could have a nice easy "normal" relationship with a SINGLE man...Why do I fight so hard for this relationship??? Life is hard enough already....
And yet, when I am with someone else, there is always something missing... Hawk has it all... Except accessibility, and the chance for permanency....

You are not going to believe this one....

Ok. Those of you who have read my blog before are going to shake your heads when you read what I have been up to.
Thursday when I got home from work Hawk called me. We talked for 3 1/2 hours. He told me what he says is the reason that he keeps backing off. I tend to believe him, but then I am biased. Here goes... He says that for 30+ years he has been looking for the perfect sub. He has become so focused on the hunt, that now that he has found the perfect one, he is asking himself "what now?" For so long the hunt is all he has known.... Sounds plausible to me, although I know Hawk and you don't, so you might not be as ready to believe him. I went out to the farm on Friday for a few hours and we had a great time just hanging out, watching TV and talking... I went back on Saturday, and we did the same. He has told me he loves me, and that even though I "scare" him, (I can't imagine him being scared of anything) he wants me in his life permanently. That is a big step for Hawk, just saying that...
I know, you all are thinking it will be just the same as it was before, and maybe it will, I don't know... His form of D/s is more like Master/slave, than Dominant/submissive. It is not something that is just occasional "scenes" in the bedroom and then shut off. He is very formal... And I really like that about him. For me, it is the submission, not the kinky sex that I am looking for... And this relationship fits me perfectly, except the time we spend apart. With his job, and my 7 day a week job, it is hard to get together most of the time. He has talked about me eventually moving in, but THAT is what scares me... I need my own space. Maybe eventually that will happen, but not for a long time....
He has talked about a "formal" collaring ceremony... With a close friend of his "officiating"... Like I said, he is formal, and this is a lifestyle for him, not just scenes... Very intense...
I'm sure there will be some interesting comments on this one... Or I hope so anyway, if you all haven't stopped reading because of my absence lately... I have been working nights, and getting no sleep, and things have been SOOO hectic.... I haven't touched the computer in days... I have spent the weekend trying to figure out what I was going to tell you all...You all are friends, you know more about some parts of my life than anyone else, and I value your opinions... Although you know I will make up my own mind in the end....lol
Hawk is my addiction... My obsession... I love him more than any adult on the planet (only my kids come before him) and I have felt this way since the first time I went out with him, 4-10-01. No one else is ever going to be enough...